The Fear II: Same As It Ever Was
By QuatzuNovember 6th, 2007
By Ken Blaznek
Ok, maybe it isn’t this FIELD that I fear. Really, I have no experience in the field itself, so maybe it’s the weird combination of the field and the formal education of it. Graphic design, or my education of it thus far, seems a very whitewashed art form to me. It falls somewhere in between watercolor and accounting. Nerd Art, if you will. I just haven’t experienced much “feel” in it yet, and right now any kind of feeling or “passion” (sorry, Aubs) is completely overshadowed by the pressure to produce and meet insane deadlines in order to get a grade.
CCS is actually my second attempt at college. About one hundred and forty-seven years ago I spent two years at Michigan State, where I was a Communication major, whatever that means. What it meant to me was sitting through four semesters of mystifying, pedantic, and inane mathematics. I was restless and selfish, and eventually sort of unofficially stopped attending school. MSU had no choice but to kick me out.
Later, I really think that I assumed I could bypass the prosaic tedium of college by enrolling in Art School, and finally satisfy the fiery creative streak I once had. I craved charcoal under my fingernails, smoky rooms, and weird hippy teachers. Needless to say, that hasn’t been the case at our fine institution. The first C does stand for “College.” I have been wanting to cut loose for four years now, but deadlines and some goddamn English paper have inevitably gotten in the way, and that old MSU feeling has crept back into my gut. I have done extremely well at CCS from a grade-point perspective, because I had some obvious educational demons to tackle, but for the most part there’s a little too much math, metaphorically.
I think I may fear School more than I fear The Field, which gives me hope. I mean it is clear, given my past exploits at State, that I don’t make the best student, especially when the shit hits the fan. CCS is hard, there is no such thing as that idealized art school, and I just need to wade through the bullshit.
For some reason, I feel like I will be able to open up again once in The Field. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that I will have to put in my time dropping shadows for Chrysler, but it will be the Free Time (look it up) away from the job that I most look forward to. To be able to Play (look that one up too) with the skills I’ve learned will provide a much needed creative boost that will lead to something more satisfying down the road. I cannot wait to be able to create with the goal of something other than receiving a letter grade or indulging some guy. It may sound cocky, but I know I’m better than what I’ve produced in school, or what I will produce in the next few months.
So it isn’t the field of graphic design that I am afraid of. I know that one day, once the formal concerns are second nature, it will feel like art again. I’m just stuck in school with no time to explore, and it feels like MSU all over again. Everything is a burdensome task, and even writing this cathartic blog feels like time away from more “important” things. So it’s a personal thing with roots in a big mistake I made long ago. I harbor no hostility for CCS, it’s an amazing place. But the bottom line is just that I’m not a good student. CCS is hard, and I’m really sick of it. We all are. We’re almost done.
:-S
You said it baby, we’re almost done. We’ve made it this far and there’s no turning back.
I have also found that the synthesis of our education in design does not exactly occur overnight and this in turn may be feeding our fears. I know that principles and concepts I was ‘taught’ in my formative years at community college and even my junior year at CCS are really only beginning to flower in my mind. And only of late I have been able to apply those principles and concepts to design. Unfortunately, it feels as if applying such is too late sometimes, and that also may be feeding The Fear(tm).
what is fear.
It is everything and it is nothing.
I’m creeped out Ken…did you crawl in my brain while I was in my Nyquil coma over the last 5 days? I swear I had this conversation with myself as I was laid up in bed wondering a) when the sinus pain would stop and b) trying to figure out how to get caught up after missing so much.
ugh…I need a personal assistant.
Yes. I did. It was weird.
Being Cori Chesnut
I often have a hard time feeling that “passion” for an assignment because of all the other deadlines for everything else because even when I do start feeling excited about a project I can’t just keep working on it because I have other classes that have much closer deadlines. It’s like I have to work on everything in little snippets because I only have time to work on what is due for the next class.
No matter how early I start, I always seem to find myself doing the bulk of a class’s homework the night before it’s due. It really drives me crazy and makes me question whether I’m a “good student” or not. “There HAS to be a better way of doing this..” I think every time I’m sitting at my desk at 1am. Finally after bringing it up to my boyfriend, a Masters student at OU, his response provided me with a small bit of re-assurance, “The truth of it is: It’s college. That’s just how it works. Everyone works the night before. Trust me… you’re not any different or any less responsible than all the other college students.”